| 50 First Dates |
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| 03:02pm 13/08/2004 |
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mood:  chipper
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I went over to Patrick's house on Wednesday and we watched 50 First Dates which I had never seen before, but I really enjoyed it! I started crying at certain parts in the movie. It kind of gave me a sense of hope though, To see how much he loved her despite her problems. I actually feel like someone might be able to love me someday. It will be so nice and I can hardly wait! |
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| Static-X concert |
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| 11:39am 08/08/2004 |
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I was sitting around the house the other day when my sister came up to me and we started talking about what we wanted to do before I left as our last "Hurrah!" She suggested that we go to the Static-X concert that was last night. So we gave my dad a back rub to get some money for the tickets and then drove to the lightrail station and took it down the the Pepsi Center. When we walked up to the tent there were two other girls walking up to the box office when one of the ladies that was working there called them over. She started yelling at them so when they left my sister went up to her and asked if this was where we could buy tickets. The lady started yelling again and asking us questions which I couldn't even hear because the music was so loud. Finally she let us in. I asked my sister what it was about and she said that the first 1000 girls got in for free if they mentioned the ad in the Westward. So the lady was telling us this so that we could get in for free. It was awesome! So we sat down and watched all the bands and then when Static-X got on we stood a few feet behind the mosh pit. The concert was so fun! It was my first rock concert ever! There were a lot of kids there though, but other than that I had a blast! Teenagers just annoy the crap out of me now that I am older. Anyways, have a beautiful day everyone! |
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| Static-X concert |
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| 11:39am 08/08/2004 |
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I was sitting around the house the other day when my sister came up to me and we started talking about what we wanted to do before I left as our last "Hurrah!" She suggested that we go to the Static-X concert that was last night. So we gave my dad a back rub to get some money for the tickets and then drove to the lightrail station and took it down the the Pepsi Center. When we walked up to the tent there were two other girls walking up to the box office when one of the ladies that was working there called them over. She started yelling at them so when they left my sister went up to her and asked if this was where we could buy tickets. The lady started yelling again and asking us questions which I couldn't even hear because the music was so loud. Finally she let us in. I asked my sister what it was about and she said that the first 1000 girls got in for free if they mentioned the ad in the Westward. So the lady was telling us this so that we could get in for free. It was awesome! So we sat down and watched all the bands and then when Static-X got on we stood a few feet behind the mosh pit. The concert was so fun! It was my first rock concert ever! There were a lot of kids there though, but other than that I had a blast! Teenagers just annoy the crap out of me now that I am older. Anyways, have a beautiful day everyone! |
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| This is normally my angry/manicy/depressed journal... |
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| 04:23pm 01/08/2004 |
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and I am none of those today, but I thought I would write in this journal today anyways. I am always updating my other journal (well not so much lately) and so now it's time for me to write something in this one. Not to mention that if, by any chance, there is anyone reading this thing I probably seem really depressed and messed up to you all the time, so now it's time for you to see my other side. Anyways, things have been going really well lately. I am finally getting back on my feet. I have been reading a book my brother recommended to me called "Drawing on the Powers of Heaven." I am only about 30 pages into it, but it has helped a lot so far. I am beginning to feel that I am mentally and spiritually ready for college.
I was at church today and bore my testimony and after the meeting Brother Strong came up to me and told me that he had to tell me that his little boy stared at me the entire time and told them that I was cinderella. (I was wearing my sparkly shirt that I made for Snowball). After church he came running up to me and started to hug me and asked me for a kiss, so I gave him one. It was so cute. |
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| Stuff and things |
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| 05:44am 18/06/2004 |
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mood:  confused
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Well, the stuff is ok, but the things seem to be getting worse. Actually, everything is getting worse. I feel great though! I am totally manic right now! I have slept just a few hours in the past few days. Now if only I could focus my energy on what was really important! I really do not know what to do with myself. I'm seriously going crazy...no wait...not in the way it usually happens. I mean I am going crazy in the sense that I am doing stuff I normally wouldn't do. I cannot really explain it. I like it...I like it a lot, but I'm not so sure if that's a good thing. |
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| Another one of my rants... |
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| 04:15pm 02/09/2003 |
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mood:  bouncy
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This entry will be difficult to put into words, but I feel very passionately about it. So, why is it that people think that if a child/person will not have a perfect life then it should not have a life at all? I mean, is there anyone out there who has a perfect life? No, of course not! Yet there are peple out there who believe abortion is ok because the child would "be unhappy anyways." So, let me ask this question, who decides who should be born and who should not? How do we decide which lives are valueable enough to live? Why is it that I am a "bad person" because I want to bear my own children when I could potentially pass on this monster of an illness to them. I mean, if doctors could tel that an embryo may develop schizophrenia then maybe they should just terminate the life right then and there. I would be dead. And to be quite honest, I would much rather live a miserable life and kill myself than have some doctor do it before I ever get the chance to experience life. Not to mention life is about love, not pain or suffering. I mean, as long as a person has love in their life they will live a fulfilling life, no matter how much they suffer. Sure there is a chance that one or even all of my children will develop schizophrenia, but who better to raise them than me? I mean, I know all of the warning signs so I will be able to catch it in the early stages, not to mention I have overcome it and I will be able to help my children overcome it. People seem to think that those who suffer from mental illnesses are completely helpless, which is entirely untrue! We have medication, herbal supplements, terapy and most importantly family and friends who love us and care about us! Besides, I am not so sure I would want my children to have the perfect life even if I could give it to them. Afterall, pain builds character. I mean, I have not met one person with a mental illness who was not better off for it. They are smarter, deeper thinking people, who contribute a lot to society. Look at John Nash, he was a genius! Where would we be in the world without him!? I guess part of what I am saying is that lots of mentally ill people can make valueable contributions to society. They tend to look at the world in a different light. They notice things other people may not notice. I know for sure that schizophrenics are much more creative than the average person. And the world definately needs more creative thinkers. How else are we going to solve all our problems? Now, I am not saying that schizophrenia is the answer, but it certainly could not hurt to let us live! Is anybody with me on this? Or should I not reproduce? I mean, that would mean that no one in my family could reproduce, because they all have the chance of passing it on to their children. But the world needs more Dodge's! My brother is a musical genius, he writes the most amazing things on the piano! My sister has a very lovely childish streak that no one can resist. We (schizophrenic people) make this world fun to live in! Am I totally out of line here? |
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| Writer's block... |
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| 04:47pm 01/09/2003 |
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I have a bad case of it. It seems that everything I write is crap. (At least that is what I think.) So I desperately need some feedback on my poetry, because I really do not want to turn this crap in. So anyone who reads this PLEASE help me out by telling me what you think. Let me know if you can tell what it is about and all that other stuff. Ok, so here it is, have a nice time laughing at my pathetic attempt to write some serious poetry:
Her mind flooded with a swarm of angry bees as she saw it all once more,
Who could save her from these fantasies?
His eyes that were so hollow,
The pitiful cries to follow,
She gasped for air; screamed and cried,
Was this a dream or had she died?
Too many emotions for her to feel,
All impossible to conceal.
She felt his cold, wet hands,
As she followed his every command.
The identity of this man a mysetery,
Yet he held a place in her history,
Then suddenly she awoke with a tear-stained face,
He had left without a trace.
It is ok, I mean, in the sense that it is a process to write poetry and this is alright for the beginning stage. I mean, I like the ending. But other than that I really do not know. I also need help coming up with another idea for a poem. I need to describe a scene or something. Anyways, thanks to anyone who helps! |
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| I'm not entirely helpless |
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| 06:43pm 14/07/2003 |
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mood: energetic
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Me and my sister went to the fabric store today. We are both making dresses for the Renaissance Festival. This will be my sisters first time sewing so I had to help her out a bit. Of course, I am not the greatest seamstress in the world, so I did need a bit of help with some things. I didn't know where everything in the store was, or if quilting fabric would work to make my sister's dress. So I simply went up to someone and asked. We even started talking to the lady who was cutting out our fabric for us. She was a very nice lady. Anyways, I didn't really think much of it until we got home and I heard my sister talking to my parents. She told them about how much I help her and how I was assertive and asked questions when I needed help. I know this seems really dumb, but it really means a lot to me. I have a really hard time speaking up. I mean, I am the shyest person. I almost started crying I was so happy. The fact that someone like me could do something as simple as that makes me so happy! It's crazy, I know, but then against so am I... |
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| The decay of morals... |
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| 07:57am 14/07/2003 |
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mood:  nauseated
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I am thoroughly convinced that I have talked to every man between the ages of 15 and 38 on the internet and let me just say I am not impressed. I mean does anybody have any morals at all anymore? Maybe you guys are confused. Let me set you straight. If you want to know a girl's bra size, that's fine, but before you ask her get permission to ask her a "personal question." And at no time is it appropriate to ask "Are you shaved?" What!? Am I some kind of animal that needs to be shaved by someone else!? Perhaps if you have permission to ask a personal question you could ask "Do you shave?" but never "Are you shaved?" Another common misconception is that some guys think that girls actually curious or even care what size your dick is! No no no no! We do not want to know, nor do we care! If we really wanted to know we would ask! Furthermore, no girl is going to believe that your equipment is 9 freakin' inches long! That is highly unlikely so don't even try it! I know that sometimes when you guys measure yourself you look at the centimeter markings and think it is in inches, but I'm sorry to say, you are not 12 inches long! It is also not appropriate to cyber lick someone. That's just a little creepy. Another thing, if you are old and balding and talking to someone in their teens, don't send them your picture. Most young girls are not attracted to balding men. That is not a complaint, really more like advice. Anyways, back to what I was saying, if a girl is talking about biting your penis off and ripping off your testicles with her bare hands she probably does not want to cyber with you! Anyways, that is all I have to say for now. So ladies, I'd love to hear what you have to say about all this. And fellas, if you want to try and defend yourself go ahead! |
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| Helping people |
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| 05:23am 10/07/2003 |
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mood: refreshed
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Two days ago I started taking Abilify. I am hoping that it will work as well as the Geodon without all those annoying side effects. Anyways, we'll see.
I got majorly depressed last night. It has kind of been building. Seeing Becca and her baby over the fourth of July holiday was just a painful reminder that I will have an extremely difficult time having children, which is what I want more than anything. And then there's the fact that I will probably never be able to breast feed. That may not seem like a huge deal to other people, but it is to me. I mean, it is a great way to connect with your children. I don't know, I can't explain it, I just know that I want to do it when I have kids. Anyways, I was telling my psychotherapist about this idea I had for a book and then we started to discuss how much more difficult it can be for schizophrenic people who are on medications to write. I don't know exactly what it is. I mean, I am writing right now. But for some reason when I need to write really bad, the words just won't come into my head. They don't seem to flow out of my mind the way they used to. So anyways, I just got really depressed thinking about my illness because it seems like no matter what I do, if I'm on medications or not, I will be unhappy. I felt trapped, because I don't really have some of the same freedoms that other people do. If I go off medications then I have to live with the fear of knowing that there are people out there who are trying to get me, and no one can be trusted. If I stay on medications though, I do not enjoy the freedom of being able to express the way I feel. Anyways, I finally came to the conclusion last night when I was talking to my friend who is a fire fighter that it doesn't really matter what goes wrong, as long as I am still able to help people. And although right now I really have no way of doing that, school will be starting soon and that means I can work hard at that so I can get into the college I want to and hopefully become a psychologist. That is what I want more than anything. Is to help people like me. And although I am still depressed at times, I think that in some way I will be able to make a difference in other peoples lives. And that is all that really matters. |
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| hypocrites |
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| 01:18pm 06/07/2003 |
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mood: uncomfortable
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It always amazes me how hypocritical. Not to say that I am never a hypocrite, but I try my hardest not to be, and I have made a lot of changes in my life so I can avoid it as much as possible. Now I have a feeling that everyone who reads this is going to disagree, but I ask that you please try to look at this from my perspective. They have found that smoking can actually soothe people with schizophrenia. That is why most people with schizophrenia smoke. It makes them feel better. I have smoked several times before when I was feeling down and it made me feel so much better. But since then I have come to the conclusion that I need to avoid cigarettes at all costs. Mainly because I do not want to be controlled by a substance. I mean, sure they help me feel better for a little bit, but then after a few minutes it's right back to reality and things seem twice as bad as before. And I am totally against using drugs or alcohol or any other thing like that to escape reality. It goes against everything I stand for. The other reason I decided not to start smoking is because of my religious beliefs. Only worthy people can enter the temple. And if I smoke then I can never go there. That means I can't get married there, which is the one thing I want more than anything else in the world, to be married in a Mormon temple. Whenever I breathe in second hand smoke my cravings come back. And weeks after that experience my mind will be glued to the thought of smoking. My whole body craves it. It is really difficult to deal with. And personally I think it is not fair that people are allowed to smoke in public places when it can do harmful things to people who choose not to smoke. I mean, I have a right to fresh air. So does everybody else. Now if someone wants to pollute their own private air, in their house, I have absolutely not problem with that. But why should I have to suffer for weeks just because I happened to sit next to someone who smokes? It just seems strange to me that people would get angry and say that they have a right to smoke when by doing so they are taking away the rights of others. |
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| my idea... |
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| 07:31am 24/06/2003 |
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Sorry about my last entry everyone, I was just so freakin pissed at my brother! He calls me crazy and makes fun of me and stuff and blames all of his problems on me. Like when he hits my nephew and I try to stop him and tell him know he gets in my face and yells "quit freakin out!" So anyways, I am angry.
I have been trying to think for a while about what I want to do when I get to college. Like what I want to major in and what kind of career I want to have. I know that whatever I do I want to in someway help people who are like me. So I have really considered becoming a psyhologist. But what I really want to do more than anything is to own a halfway house and help people who have recently been hospitalize recover and rebuilt their lives. Anyways, my dad was telling me how great it would be if there was some kind of work mentally ill (I hate that term) people could do when they are recovering from an illness or a breakdown. Something where they could choose how many hours a day they work and when they work and all that kind of stuff, so they don't get too stressed out. Also something that was easy to do that almost anybody could do. So then I was at mutual the other day tying quilts and I thought "Hey! This is easy, even boys can do this!" So I thought what if there was a halfway house where people could make quilts and do other simple kinds of crafts and then they also owned a store where they sold all of this stuff. It is kind of a crazy, far fetched idea, but I think it could actually work. My mom and I bought this kit that teaches you how to paint flowers and animals and stuff really easily. It takes a little bit of practice, but I think it would be relatively easy to learn and not extremely stressful. You can paint pillow cases and mailboxes and all sorts of stuff. I have also done some really easy stuff with water color pencils. It would be easy to make greeting cards just by tracing something and then painting it. We could start out really small and just sell stuff at craft shows until we can afford to buy a little store somewhere. We could also compile everyones poetry and short stories and make a book written entirely by schizos and bipolar people and other types of people. I mean, I know that when I was in the hospital there were quite a few people who would write poetry and short stories and I did a lot of drawing while I was there too. It would be very theraputic I think for some people. Of course it would not be a place for just anyone, but wouldn't it be great to get a bunch of semi-artisitic people together and teach them to do a few things so they can work while they are trying to get back on their feet. And then if they enjoy it and are really successful at it they can continue to do work from their home and bring their stuff to the store and sell it. My parents say this is a very good idea, but I don't have full confidence in it, so I really need some input. If anyone has anything to say, even if it is negative, please say it! Because I really need to know if this is just a crazy idea that won't work. Thanks! |
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| A few questions for all you people out there: |
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| 04:51pm 18/06/2003 |
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1). What does stop mean?
2). What is the appropriate thing to do when someone tells you to stop something?
(By the way, I am serious, I want answers to all of this questions)
3). If you upset someone who happens to be schizophrenic is it appropriate to yell in there face "QUIT FREAKIN' OUT!"
4). When you have been a jerk and made your little sister cry is it ever appropriate to go around telling people it is because she has depression and then to never apologize for making her cry?
5). Is it ok to spank 3 year old boys who have not broken any rules, just for the fun of it?
6). Is it appropriate for an 18 year old "man" pinch a 3 year olds butt? (I don't know, but that sounds inappropriate to me).
7). If I answered "no" to questions 3-6 would you question my sanity?
I would really appretiate it if you would all give me some input here, because my brother says I am "overreacting", but both my friend Arisa and my psychotherapist both say that I am totally justified in my thinking. Thanks! |
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| New meds |
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| 04:25am 09/06/2003 |
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mood: curious
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Today we are going to the psychiatrist and we are going to discuss starting a new medication called Abilify (spelling?) Anyways, the Geodon makes me shake and twitch and it isn't very fun, so we are going to try this one out and see how it works. My dad says he has a good feeling about it, so we'll see. |
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| A promise |
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| 09:36am 03/06/2003 |
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mood: peaceful
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I know that I could easily justify thinking about sex like I have been lately, and I could also justify making out with someone. I could just simply say I am doing it because I am a teenager with raging hormones and sometimes I need to do those sorts of things to make me stop being so horny. I could also say that I have already messed up and so it wouldn't hurt to do it some more. But I know that is wrong. When I fall in love I want to have as few regrets as possible. I want him to know that I truly feel bad for all that crap I did with other guys. I want him to know that every time I started to think about doing something with someone else I pushed the thought out of my head because I knew I would find someone way better to do it with! And so I am making this promise to myself and to the man I am going to fall in love with someday, because I already love him so much. The next time I am going to kiss someone I will have an engagement ring on my finger. It will be hard to keep, but I can do it and I will do it because I know it will be worth it! |
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| Sex on the beach! |
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| 11:26am 02/06/2003 |
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mood:  horny
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That's a song everyone likes to sing around here, if you have ever heard it. My psychotherapist thinks I think about sex a lot because I don't do stuff with guys. I have tons of built up sexual energy. |
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| A few quick thoughts |
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| 09:34am 29/05/2003 |
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mood: peaceful
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I think that when I finally get to have a child of my own I probably won't let other people hold him/her. When they ask I will just say that he/she is not feeling well and needs to stay with me. I mean, having a baby is so miraculous and difficult (especially for someone like me) and I just don't want anything to come between me and my child. I don't know, maybe I will feel differently when I actually have children.
I was thinking yesterday about death and all that. My Patriachal blessing promises me that when I die my relatives who have died before me will be there to greet me. I just think it will be the neatest experience. I will be so happy to be free of this illness. I will hug everyone and we will celebrate. Then, if I am allowed to, I will go see my children and family and tell them how great it is to be free of it. It will be the neatest experience! I can't wait! |
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| 104 |
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| 07:28pm 27/05/2003 |
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mood:  artistic
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Whew! I just played two measures (actually only 1 and a half) of sixteenth notes at 104. That is not very fast I realize, but it is an accomplishment for me. I figured start with a slower "fast" peice and work my way up to some of the fast ones that go 120 and 144 and stuff like that. I worked so hard on these two measures for the past two days! I know if I keep working this hard I will improve. It will be great! My fingers will just fly across the keys. Oh, it will be the greatest! |
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| Only one year left |
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| 01:26pm 27/05/2003 |
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mood: artistic
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It occured to me last night that I will be graduating from high school in a year. I feel as if I need to make an explaination of some kind for my behavior. Or maybe I just want to make some kind of impression on everyone. I was thinking today that maybe my calling in life is not only to help people who have the same troubles I have but also to help those who are not mentally ill understand it. I was thinking of composing a song to play at graduation with Emily and Lauren (if they want to). It would start out peacefully with three flutes. And then gradually get faster and more intense. Then I would switch to piccolo and there would be some sort of conflict between the two flutes and the piccolo. It would be exciting. And then it would end with the piccolo slowing down and finally would end with the two flutes playing a chord. Maybe a perfect fourth or something. And if we got into the graduation ceremony everyone could see what I am all about. It would be like this quote by Vincent Van Gogh: "What am I in the eyes of most people? A nonentity, an eccentric, or an unpleasant person? Someone who has no possition in society and will never have, in short the lowest of the low? Even if it were absolutely true, then I would one day like to show by my work what such an eccentric, such a nobody, has in his heart." And perhaps they could put that quote in the program. I don't know. I just feel like I want to say something before I leave. I want everyone to know what I feel. I have been practicing my flute so much lately because I want to bad to become a great floutist. Then maybe I can make an impact on somebodies life. I don't know, maybe that is not my calling in life. But I sure would love to be a great flute and piccolo player. I love the piccolo so much. I mean, I am such a piccolo player in the sense that I have a lot in common with the instrument. It is so intense and at some times so totally inappropriately. And there is only enough room for one of them in a band. They are so loud and so annoying in the eyes of most people. But when they are played properly they add so much to the band. It is not meant to be a timid instument. It is supposed to be loud. I feel I am like that. |
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| Ignorant people suck |
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| 03:54pm 20/05/2003 |
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Ok so this little scenario involved three parties. Myself, Dmitri (a guy in my history class; I know I spelled that wrong), and Kevin (also in my history class, but he was in my brother's Chinese class before he ever met me). Kevin is a little misguided when it comes to me and also when it comes to psychology. You will all get a kick out of this. Keep in mind that I tell people I have depression, but I never tell people I have any type of schizophrenia because it is not anyones business, but mostly because there are people like Kevin in this world. So Dmitri comes in and sits down next to me and I make a joke about him sitting next to a crazy person. He laughs and Kevin, who is sitting a few feet away says "I know you're crazy your brother told me all about it." So I just laugh. Then Dmitri and I start talking about John. He says "I didn't know you knew John." And Kevin says "Yeah, she met him by hitting him with her car." (Kevin has explained to me that I am the worst driver in the world, of course he has never seen me drive so his comments have no basis whatsoever). So I continue talking to Dmitri and talk about how John is or is not crazy. And Kevin goes off on this tangent about how he hates all crazy people (especially me) because all we want to do is kill people. He says it is ok for him to stereotype psychotic people because they were bad and all this other crap. I wanted to smack him. So tomorrow I am just going to say "So you hate one fifth of America?" And when he looks all confused I will explain to him that I have depression and he hates me because of it so therefore he must hate everyone who has depression. And if he tells me my brother told him I had schizophrenia there is going to be trouble. I will simply say to him "It is odd that you would listen to my brother considering he used to beat me and you don't like violent people." And then he'll be all shocked and I will say "That's right, my brother used to beat me and everything he said to you was a lie." And I really don't care if he doesn't believe me. I don't care if he hates me. I am not the psycho serial killer he has made me up to be. Then when I get home I am going to make sure that my brother is punished. And perhaps I will have him call Kevin and tell him that everything was a lie. Anyways, let me know what you think of guys like Kevin. Do you get a little upset with them too? What should I do to teach him a lesson? |
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mndwhispers's journal